With a bang of her clipboard, Kyrene, the assigned instructor from the Office for Earthen Reintegration, quieted the bustling room of human archwizards. The bearded men and ladies (also bearded) turned their attention to her.

“Good morning, Grand Mages,” Kyrene said. “Today we learn about a common object you shall find in your new Earthen homes. A lightbulb.”

She signaled her aide Tobias, who passed around a sample bulb. The mages, all accustomed to components spontaneously combusting on them, inspected it thoroughly and at a distance.

“This magical device lights homes in the Earthen dimension.” Kyrene was certain to use the term ‘magic.’ She’d learned from the last batch of wizards that calling anything ‘technology’ baffled these learned folk.

“Creating light? Child’s play!” exclaimed a wizard robed in red, who also went by the name Red. “Illuminatus!”

“Pittance!” scoffed Blue. “Incandeseo!”

“Shiny-iousimusus!” shouted Yellow.

In seconds, the room was filled with chants and orbs of conjured light, each slightly louder and brighter than the last.

“Grand Mages, please! We’ve discussed this! R.O.A.M. magics will not function on Earth!”

“Then how do we ignite this bulb?” asked Purple. He was one of the few who had yet to incant, which Kyrene was thankful for, given which spell word he likely planned to use.

Kyrene gave Tobias a nod, and her aid brought out a lampstand connected to an Earthen battery. “When the bulb is placed in a metal focus band, it forms a telepathic connection to an apparatus called a switch,” she said. “By flipping this switch, you cast the spell to light the bulb.”

Tobias demonstrated, much to the Archwizard’s fascination.

“A spell with somatic components only. Interesting,” said Brown, stroking her beard.

“Clearly, material is involved, too,” corrected White.

“But no verbal,” added Black.

“All correct,” Kyrene said, hoping to steer the mages back on track. “The bulb may require another spell called ‘Plug it in.’ However, other times, the bulb may lose all of its magic, in which case it will not produce light no matter how expertly you flip the switch. This loss of arcane power is called ‘going out’ and is easily solved by replacing the bulb.”

“Like the focus crystals in my tower,” said Green. “My ogre is quite skilled at changing those out.”

“There are no ogres on Earth anymore.” Kyrene reminded them. Following the Treaty of Separation, only select individuals, like her aide Tobias, were even permitted to travel between realms. All magical creatures were to live in R.O.A.M., and all humans were to return to Earth, no matter how ill-suited they were to the task.

Kyrene signaled for Tobias to demonstrate screwing and unscrewing a bulb, which earned a few more oohs and aahs from the crowd.

“Wrong, wrong, wrong on all accounts,” Kyrene said. “What have I told you?”

The Archwizards went quiet. Orange, who was descending back to the ground, had the revelation first.

“Earth magic!” she cried.

“Precisely,” Kyrene said. She motioned to Tobias, who promptly brought out a stepladder. “This Ladder creates an effect similar to levitation. Step upon it, and you’ll find yourself magically higher — though be warned: horizontal movement will break the spell. Once you’ve settled in your new homes, you will find one in your Storage Room of Holding.

“Now, put your wizard brains together and change the bulb on the ceiling with Earthen magic only.”

“Yes, yes, you all have shown your brilliance once more,” Kyrene said. “We’ll continue to review this lesson, but for now, let’s move on. In your homes, you will find a magical waste removal device known as a toilet, which can sometimes become clogged . . .”