“Do you want me to make up a story for you?”

“Okaaaaay. How long ago?”

“Before you were born.”

“Was it before you were born?”

“Just a little before I was born.”

“So, like a REEEEALY long time go.”

“Ouch.”

“What?”

“Yes, a reeeeally long time ago.”

“And there was a princess…”

“No. There was a pirate…”

“And the pirate was a princess?”

“Hey! Whose story is this?”

“It's MY story that you are making up for ME!”

“Ok, ok. There was a pirate-princess.”

“A PRINCESS-pirate!”

“OK. A PRINCESS-pirate. Now, can I please tell you YOUR story?”

“Yes! Tell me MY story.”

“As I was saying, it was long ago, and there was a band of ruthless pirates. The name of their ship was the Bad Ami. They were sailing about looking for goods to plunder when they happened upon a shipwreck. The ship was gone except for parts sticking out of the water and some barrels floating about. The barrels were easy enough to pick up, and their captain, Handsome Foul, thought, why not? As they lifted the barrels onto the Bad Ami, they heard sounds from one of them. They got out their cutlasses and pistols for fear of what the barrel might contain. They opened the barrel, and they found THE thing that pirates fear more than anything else in the world, more than sharks, octopuses, and sea monsters all put together…

“It was a little girl.

“She was wet and shivering, hungry and crying, and scared. She was afraid of what the pirates might do to her. When the pirates saw her, they dropped their swords and pistols, stepped backward, and gasped. One of them cried out, ‘Wha’ll we do?’

“Now, it’s not that little girls are all that scary; it’s just that pirates are used to shooting, stabbing, cussing, and drinking. They don’t know the first thing about little girls. What they did know was that you can’t do those sorts of things around girls, especially little girls. Finally, Captain Foul shouted out, “Get ‘er oot da barr, ya scurvy dogs! You, there, up with some dry tings. And you, food, an’ if I see a single maggot in da bread, ya be seeing yar vittles from inside da pot!”

“After she got some dry clothes on and some food in her belly, Captain Foul had everyone stand around to hear the little girl’s story. Her name was Tara. She and her parents were sailing across the sea for somewhere that Tara couldn’t remember. There was a great storm and the ship started to break apart. Her parents put her into the barrel because if the ship sank, it might be the only way to save her.

“Now, it took a long time for Tara to tell her story because she was sniffling and crying and saying she wanted her mummy and daddy.

“The pirates didn’t know what to do with her. They didn’t know where to look for her mummy and daddy. They didn’t even know if they were alive. They decided to keep her aboard, give her a pirate name, Tara the Terrible, and start teaching her pirate ways. Tara didn’t like being called Tara the Terrible, but remember, pirates are afraid of girls, so the pirates thought the name was perfect. Tara didn’t particularly like pirate ways either. There was too much shooting, stabbing, cussing, and drinking. But that was her lot in life, at least for the time being. As she grew up, she vowed to be the best at pirating as she could be. What Tara and the pirates didn’t know was that Tara was a princess. Most princesses can’t abide shooting, stabbing, cussing, and drinking (unless there is a VERY good reason for it!). They didn’t know that princesses always try to do their best at everything they do. Even if they are not good at things, they always try hard and try to get better. Tara wasn’t very good at drinking; she threw up a lot. She did get very good at cussing, without using curse words, which is a genuine skill and helpful in life.

“But Tara loved the Bad Ami. She loved all the ropes and sails, the way the pirates worked almost as if they were one person to make the ship sail in its best form. And the calculations! Tara loved the way numbers told you where you were and where you were going. She got very good at all those things.

“Wait a minute."

“Hmm?"

“Does Tara the Terrible wear a poofy dress like other princesses while doing all her pirating stuff?"

“THAT is a very good question. Poofy dresses do NOT make you a princess. In fact, there are a lot of people out there wearing poofy dresses who are not princesses. They are called lookin’-at-princesses. Real princesses are princesses on the inside, and what they wear doesn’t change that at all; even if they are wearing rags, they are still princesses.”

“Then how do you tell a real princess from a lookin’-at-princess?”

“You can tell if someone is an actual princess by what they do, not how they look.

“Tara the Terrible had one thing that no one else on the ship had except for Handsome Foul: a cabin to herself. She was the only girl on the ship, and everyone thought she should have a tiny but private place for ‘girl-stuff’ that the other pirates didn’t know about or want to know about. It wasn’t much of a cabin, but it was hers. 

“When it was her turn to sleep, she would go to her little hidey-hole of a cabin and wish she had a fuzzy robe, bunny slippers, and a cup of tea. But then, pirates don’t have fuzzy robes and bunny slippers. She made herself as happy as she could. She wasn’t always happy about taking her turn working the Bad Ami. Sometimes, she wished there were just one other girl on the ship to talk to because boys and men are different and don’t understand girls. Still, nobody had to come and get her when it was her watch. She always did what needed to be done in good order, fair weather and foul.

“Now, as you know, terrible things happen at sea. It is a dangerous place. Sometimes, ships sailed over the world's edge because they lost their way."

“DaaaaAAAaaaaad!!!”

“The sea is especially dangerous when you are a pirate trying to rob other ships. One day, when the Bad Ami came close to capturing another vessel, there was a lot of cannon fire on both sides. The other ship sent a cannonball whizzing across the deck, and before he even knew it happened, Handsome Foul was whisked from the deck, never to be seen again."

“What happened to him?”

“No one knows, but terrible things can happen when you are a pirate.  And now, without their captain shouting orders, they didn’t know port from starboard.”

“What’s port and starboard?”

“It’s sailor talk for left and right. The sailors became so confused and frightened that they didn’t know what to do next, but Tara the Terrible knew how to sail the ship. She gave orders. They gave up the fight to sail away as fast as they could.

“After that, there was a lot of yelling and fighting (which pirates are very good at). But they grew tired and hungry and started to worry about who would be the captain. Some pirates asked, 'Should ought’a Tara the Terrible be our captain? She saved us in that last battle-rrr, did’in she?' There was a lot more yelling and cussing, but when they became quiet again, they decided no one could be better at captaining and pirating than Tara.

“She told them, ‘Do ye remember when ye took me owt da barr? None of ye had the wit to know what to do, but ye figured it, din’ya? We’ll sail on toward dawn larnin’ wot to do, won’t we? Otherwise, I think I’ll just swim off till I find land or glory, whichever comes first.’ So they all agreed (except for Deaf Jim, who couldn’t hear a word and had no idea what was happening): there would be no more pirating.

“Later that day, once all the fighting and cussing was done with, and the sails set; Tara the Terrible had the crew fire three cannonballs into the sunset. She said they should do something to honor Handsome Foul. After all, he was their captain even if he wasn’t a very good one (and not at all handsome). 

“Many years later, after they figured out they could make a good living rescuing people at sea and sending them a bill, they came upon a barque called the Belle Tara.”

“Daddy, do you mean, the sound a dog makes?”

“It sounds the same, but a barque is a large sailing ship, and this one was slowly sinking. The carpenters and blacksmiths of both ships met on the deck of the Belle Tara to figure out what to do as it continued to take on water. The crew of the Belle Tara was exhausted from pumping water for days. The Belle Tara was desperate for help. Everyone on the Ami Ami (the new name of the Bad Ami) took turns working the pumps. Once the carpenters and blacksmiths figured out how to save the ship, it slowly rose out of the water and danger.

“The captain of the Belle Tara asked to speak to the captain of the Ami Ami, but all he could say when he met Tara the Terrible was, ‘But, but, but… you’re a girl and too young even if you weren’t a girl!’ Tara the Terrible said, 'Aye, I’m a girl and good’un at that, but a better captain. I will take your thanks for saving you and the souls in your charge.'

“After a few slow breaths, the captain of the Belle Tara removed his hat and took a deep bow, saying, ‘We are in your debt. The king and queen of our fair land are aboard. We cannot thank you enough.’ ‘Aye,’ said Tara, ‘you are in our debt, but you can thank us enough. How much gold have you aboard? We shall take half, or you can sink with all of it.’ Tara was a fierce negotiator.

“Shaking a bit, the captain of the Belle Tara agreed and said, ‘May I present you to our king and queen so they may express their thanks in person?’ Tara replied, ‘Aye, and a cup of tea if you be so kind.’

“Tara went into the cabin of the king and queen, and all three stared at each in silence for almost a minute before the queen said, ‘Tara?’ and Tara the Terrible cried, ‘MUMMY! DADDY!’ And they all live happily ever after.”

“Even the pirates?”

“Even the pirates.”